Can I just take a minute of your time and whine some more about the dilemmas in my life? Ok.
I've decided that sometimes, it seems like it would almost be easier to accidentally get pregnant and pop out a little miracle without any planning or preparation. It seems like that might sometimes be easier than planning and worrying and wondering when the right time to have children is. Right now I feel like I obsess about when the right time is or isn't. I want everything to be perfect for when we do decide to start our family but I need to remind myself that it's never going to be perfect! And, things will be just fine, imperfections and all.
Why do we have children? Is it because we want our genes to be carried on or we want someone that we can take care of that is completely dependent on us or what? I just wonder sometimes. Why do some people plan it out obsessively (like myself) and others just go with the flow and take life and little lives as they come? Why do women get so baby hungry and men do not? Why do I sometimes get excited just to be pregnant and experience all of that? Being a woman is weird.
I feel stupid blogging about babies. Whenever I think of myself as someone else coming and reading this blog I feel like an idiot. Who worries about babies and parenthood and what not like this? I have no idea. But lately, with all of my friends and family members having adorable little mini-thems it just makes me want a mini-me, too. I can't wait to see what our kids will look like. Will they get my eyes? Pete's dark hair? What will they act like? Will they be shy or outgoing? What kind of things will they like to do? Hopefully soccer...but if not, I'll still love them. It's crazy to think about. And right now I'm just gonna let all these thoughts out and about!
Another thing I think about a lot when I think about children and parenthood is the lifestyle. I'm not really one of those people who is worried about not having all the freedoms because your life changes with kids (which I'm sure I will when I'm in that position) but rather, I want my life to be about raising MY kids. I spend hours each day, and have spent many hours in the last five years, taking care of other people's children. I try to teach them things and help them feel loved and valued and wanted, I wonder how different it will be when I have my own kids. Ok, went on a tangent. Back to lifestyle! What kind of mom do I want to be? I always thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom but I wonder if I'll be happy or not with that life. Do I want to stay home with our kids all day and take care of them and see all of their milestones or do I want to split it up and work a little to give them more opportunities? Are moms happy when they just stay home with the kids or are they happy having to leave them for a bit to go to work? I guess I really will have no idea until I'm actually in that situation (once again). I can only ponder and observe, lol.
I always thought I was going to get my bachelor's, get my master's, and then go on to join the peace corps for a few years and do something worthwhile in the world. I never pictured myself as just staying home with kids and cleaning house and doing...crafts? Surprisingly though, since I've gotten married, that's all I've really wanted to do. I lost some of my drive in school and my goals have changed drastically. I still have a hard time though, giving it all up and just being a mom.
Now, PLEASE, anyone who is a stay-at-home mom that is reading this, you can't get offended. I would give anything right now to be able to stay home and raise my kids each day and I know there are tons and tons of women out in the world who have to go to work who would kill to be able to stay home and watch their children grow. I think that, since that's what I think I really do want, I have to rationalize and pretend I maybe want other things since I can't have it right now. But someday :)
Anywho, I think I just need to be content with the way my life is right now. I can't keep wishing my life away or comparing it to others. I need to work harder on being happy for those who have their babies right now and who are so happy about it they have to post pictures every 5 seconds, lol. I need to enjoy my life the way it is without kids, and know that I will also enjoy it when it changes and I do have children.
I'll just spend some time focusing on working and bettering mine and Pete's life together. Once we have kids, there's no going back so we need to understand and appreciate the way it is now and accept it and love it when it's not the same (but better!) If any of this makes any sense, lol.
If any of you have ANY advice or just personal experience you'd be willing to share, that would be great. I want to know if being a stay at home mom or working mom is better, worse, pros and cons, etc. Thanks guys!
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