Aw, I'm a parent!

19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?

Well, fact of the matter is, I'm not a parent yet so I can't really explain how I felt when I had the children I don't have. Make sense? Good. 

There are instances in my life where I feel like a parent though, so maybe I can relate a little. I've taken care of my sister while we've grown up (or told myself that) so that's kind of like she was my large-ish child. I've taken care of hundreds of kids with my different jobs and sometimes I feel like I'm like their parent. And of course there was always...

My sunflower. 

I take it all back. I am a parent. And I've created something beautiful, just like the rest of you. 

There once was a time where I got a seed. This was a wonderful little seed that when you held it in your hand, you felt like you were holding a tiny miracle that was sent to you from God himself. Just looking at it made you ponder about the meaning of life and do big sighs and look into the sunset. That was my seed, and I loved it dearly.

Once I got up the courage to part with the seed-form of my miracle I planted it in a beautiful and extravagant home. This home was made of only the finest materials, a delicately cut plastic green Sprite bottle, made it China, that made it possible for my little seedy to drink from the plentiful water whenever it felt keen in doing so. 

My precious seedy was planted and given of course, only the best care a mother could provide. Bountiful sunlight washed over it each day and fresh water was added as needed. After a few days I found myself beginning to worry about my seedy. Was it growing? Did it need something more? Was I a good mom or was I insufficient for my seedy's needs? Why wasn't it's little baby seed head poking out of the dirt yet? 

To my surprise and relief, seedy turned out to be fine. I chuckled. I guess all moms experience this worry though. She suddenly reached out of the dirt and began to grow rapidly before my eyes. I was so proud. Tears began to form in my eyes and I thought, what was the purpose of my life before my little baby seedy was in it? I did not know, nor did I care.

Each day I checked on her to make sure she had everything that was needed. I made sure she was watered, fed, and properly clothed with dark, rich, soil. She got plenty of exercise and fresh air, which most youngsters need at that age. When she became bigger though, she copped a little attitude and needed a larger room. Oh silly seedy, you're just like your mother. She was always complaining about how her room was too small and all the other seedies in the world had way more room than she. I cut up a juice carton and she got what she'd always wanted, more space to play and to be her  beautiful seedy self. 

As she grew older, times weren't as happy like they used to be. She was too big for me to hold in my hand anymore and she was always reaching out of her home to see what else was out there in the big, vast world; it just wasn't enough for her to see my smiling face looking down at her each day anymore. I continued to care for her even though I could tell my help wasn't always welcome. 

I soon realized didn't have to check on her each day or water her as much. She was growing on her own and I know what she wanted. Space. She wanted more space...away from me? Away from her family and her home? I wasn't sure. My mind wandered and feared the worst.

Just as she was growing into her seedy-woman self I realized she really didn't need me much at all; all my worst fears were coming true. I forced myself to quit checking on her and unfortunately, things took a terrible turn. 

I fell ill with a bout of sicky-icky-ness. I was unable to care for her for quite a long time but I assumed she'd be fine without me. After all, it'd been a long time since she needed me anyway...

A week or so passed when I finally got the strength to open the door to my backyard and check on my sweet, sweet, seedy. But when I saw her, my world went dark. I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. I shrunk to my knees to witness the horror... My week of neglect (which in sunflower time was 14 years) had killed her. Her once green and strong stem was gray and withered. Her leaves were crumpled and lay sprawled on the floor of her room. 

Seedy. Was. Dead.  

Six+teen

16. What are your 2 greatest accomplishments?

Wha? Only 2? Hehehehawhawhaw. Just kidding. 

One of my greatest accomplishments is becoming a normal functioning human being! Yes! I'm so happy that I've turned out somewhat normal, it was a bit sketchy for a while. But really. Have you ever studied child development? It's amazing that babies are born and people learn and grow and can be so resilient to this rough roller coaster of a life. I'm so thankful that I have all of my limbs, that I have my little teeth to chomp up all of my glorius junkfood, and all 10 fingers and all 10 toes. Our bodies are amazing things, I'm going to go ahead and be proud of it's miraculousness. Right. Meow. 

Another thing I GUESS I can be proud of and call a great accomplishment in my life is finishing school. I guess it's never really finished finished, you could always keep going. But I'm happy to be done with my bachelor's. What will I do with this? Who freakin knows. But am I happy to be done and proud of it? YEEESH. Oy em. 

Okay so this post is completely weird and who knows if those are even good accomplishments but they are literally the first things that came into my braaaaaain. 

The Walking Dead starts on October 13th people. October 13th. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!


17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

Ooooo, this is a fun one. I don't know that I can narrow it down to one...

I wish I was the best artist that ever lived! I would probably be super weird because that's how most of the best artists are/have been, but would it be worth it? UHHHH YEEEEAH. Ok, maybe not the best artist, but like...top 10? Sure. It would be great. And I could just create art for my job, and make some money, and make a difference in the world, and do amazing things. 

I wish I was great at playing video games, too. Wouldn't that be the life? Play games, be the best in the world, throw hun-ned dollas from the roof top of tall buildings. Ok. 

Okay, but seriously. I wish I was REALLY great at...being the best person I could be. I wish I could take all my insecurities and fears and doubts and throw THEM from the rooftop! And be rid of them forever. And go out and do the jobs I want to do and help the people I want to help and accomplish all the things in my life that I'm too scared to even attempt. That, my friends, would be just dandy. 

18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?

Hmmm.. this is a toughie. Is that a real word? Midonknow. I think it's a toss up. He might love my big brown mcdonalds eyes or my willingness to help the people I love or my sheer insanity. I'm always jumping around and making weird noises and hoping I can get even the tiniest smirk to cross his face. I'm usually successful. 

One-Five

15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how you fell in love.

Love at first sight? Friends first and then more? How does it all work? 

I can't say I fell in love at first sight, but I sure was excited when I saw my big hunk-a-burnin-love. He's the epitome of "tall, dark, and handsome" and he's a soccer fanatic to top it all off. How could any girl not wanna get with that? I mean...go on a wholesome date with such a fine gentlemanly specimen. 

Pete and I knew of each other in high school. I knew him as the hunky soccer player that all the girls went after. He dated all the cheerleaders and was older and therefore already way cooler than me. Want to hear how he knew of me? Are you sure? I was the ultimate-super-hyperactive-nerd freshman that had braces and acted like a freak. No really. The first time he saw me I had my soccer hoodie on my head, with the sides pulled back behind my ears, while making golem noises and wide crazy eyes. Next time you're alone just try it. You put your hood on, pull the sides behind your ears so they stick out and it looks like you have no hair. Then make crazy faces. Friggin' hilarious. At least I thought I was, me and my old hyperactive best friend. How he still married me or wanted to step within a 10 mile radius after seeing me like that, no one really knows...

So we never really talked in high school. I was way too much of a freak and he was busy focusing on soccer and his mission and avoiding the creepy girl who made weird faces and thought she was funny. He served his mish in Argentina and when he came back I think he was just lookin' for lots of different girls to hang out with. He made the mistake of adding me on facebook and after I arched my eyebrow and made some crazy faces all confused-like I decided to write on his wall. As I was writing some fumbly awkward message "Heh...hey there...you're back from your mission...remember me? the freak?" I didn't even have to post it because HE messaged ME. WHAAAAAA??????

Anywho! To make a long story short, we began talking and finally decided to hang out. Since then we have been inseparable. Although we said the "L" word pretty fast and talked about marriage and kids and all that mushyness it took us a while to finally tie the knot. I was dead set on living up to my "I'm not getting married until I'm 26!" idea and made him wait quite a while. I said I wanted to live on my own and get more of my schooling done first, and he waited. Because he's perfect. Duh. 

I guess I don't really know the exact moment we feel in love, or that I fell in love with him. Just while we were dating things felt different. He handled things differently than the guys I dated before. He was mature, and loyal, and...okay I'll say it again, he's pretty freakin perfect. He's was always there for me when I needed him most and made me want to be a better person. I remember literally feeling weak in the knees when we had our first kiss, just like in the movies! 

Of course our relationship isn't or wasn't always sunshine and daisies like you guys get to hear about but we're there for each other when it matters. When things get tough, we stick together like...something super sticky! Like when duct tape sticks to itself, or molasses, or super-duper-oober-sticky glue. It's nice. 

Sunburnt lovebugs. 

Thoughts on Reading My Favs

So, I just have to vent a little on another mini-dilemma in my life. I love reading books, especially fiction. I've read the HP's like 4 times, the Twilight books (guilty pleasure), and the Hunger Games series more times than I'm prepared to admit. I was just about to begin the Hunger Games again but I've become extremely conflicted about it. Is reading fiction just a waste of time? I spend hours laying in the same position or sitting in the same position and although I get a little satisfaction from these stories, what do I really gain from it? Maybe my reading skills improve slightly but I think that's about it. 

Another thing that bugs me is the experience of reading a book. With my older kindle, the internet, my phone, and my kindle fire, I've been reading almost entirely on a screen for the past few years. Really though, there's no competition between those things and reading a real, crisp book. I love being able to look at my book and see how far I've come or smelling the pages of a new book that's mine. I like keeping the books I've read so I can lend them to friends and family or reread them again again. But, unless I want to go to the library, I'll most likely stick to the headache-creating e-readers and online content. (Wouldn't be opposed to the library as much if I didn't have to deal with the bih that was so mean to me when I went in to get my library card. Seriously. Aren't librarians supposed to be nice cheerful old ladies that are willing to help you with anything?)

So now, I dunno what I'm going to do. I want to keep reading my favorites or find a new entertaining fiction novel but I feel like I should be reading biographies or books that will actually help me in my life. What to do, what to do. What do you think? 

14. Describe 5 weaknesses and strengths you have.

Uuuuugh, not excited for this one for some reason... it might be pretty quick!

Weaknesses:
1. Opening up to people
2. COOKING
3. Staying motivated/sticking to specific things
4. Being outgoing
5. Believing in myself

Strengths:
1. (can be) smart, lol
2. I'm pretty good with kids
3. Artsy things
4. Pretty good work ethic
5. Athletic? Sure! Athletic.

So, basically I'm not super domestic. There's plenty of room to improve there. I can mess up boiling water when cooking. Cleaning is a lot of guesswork. Who knows if I really am doing this laundry right but at least it smells good. I don't attempt to get small stains out because I really don't care; I've been wearing the same clothes for years. I don't trust a lot of people or don't plan on them sticking around so I don't take the time to get to know them or to be vulnerable around them. As I've said before, I start millions of things (dieting, working out, improving life in general) and I lose interest and revert to my old ways. I wish I could YOLO like we say and live my life more. I'm too content with staying in over the weekends and watching shows or playing games. I wish I had more of a desire to go out into the world and experience things! I think something that goes along with that is believing in myself. I don't go out and do things because of a lot of the time I'm afraid I'll mess something up or say something stupid. Could I even get a job like that? Would they even accept me in that masters program? Would I absolutely fail the GRE? Will I even be able to have children and if I do will I be a good mom? Yatta yatta yatta.

When I apply myself, like in a class I love, I can be the smartest person there. I loved in high school and college when I could get the highest score in all the classes on a test or ace my classes. When I actually apply myself to something, or really care about it, I can totally kick butt. If only I could do that with everything all the time...

I love kids and I'm pretty good at being a grown-up kid myself. I love helping kids to realize how valuable and special they are. I love being silly and seeing them smile. This all sounds kinda creepy, but it's true.

Blah blah blah... I'm done with this post. I might just skip the rest of the blogging challenge in general because I feel it's a little repetitive and bor-ring. See? There I go again, not finishing something I start.


For a quick update, not much has been happening still besides work and school. Pete and Kenz are both getting ready for Weber in the fall and I'm just wondering what I want to do with myself. I can't decide (STILL) on grad school, planning on being a mom, or whatever else. We shall see............

This Saturday we're going to Bear Lake. I'm excited to spend the day in the water and I hope the weather is just perfect. My sister is turning 18 in August! Wow. Time sure does fly. We're also taking a trip down to Capital Reef with the Legua's and I am SO excited for that. I can't wait to just get away from all the stress and worry from the world and hike and play in the river and spend 24/7 with my boo (whom I never see..).

Lol watching the Friend's episode where Pheobe's fire detector won't shut off. Classic!

Qupdates!

So, just a quick update on my life. Hmm... not much! I've still been just working and well, not working. Last week I got super sick and missed like, 5 days of work. So weird. I hate missing work and have no idea what to do with myself when I have nothing to do all day. Unfortunately, I just layed in bed all day and tried to breathe. Apparently, according to my idiot doctor, I had a bacterial infection. I say idiot doctor because I literally could have been treated better by a 4 year old than the way he treated me when I went in. The infection, or whatever I had, made it so I literally could not breathe so I finally gave in and went to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor and I can usually get over things pretty quickly. But I could not shake this sickness. Anywho, I finally had Pete make me an appointment to go get checked up. We waited for about 20 minutes and finally got to go in to see him. He spent literally 2 minutes listening to my breathing, talking to me about phlem, and writing me a prescription. He didn't tell me specifically what I had, what he was prescribing, do any tests, or ANYTHING. I don't want to say who he is because I don't want to offend anyone but if you ever want to know which doctor NOT to go to at the Brigham Clinic, I'll be happy to tell you.

Long story short, I think my body just finally got a grip and I feel a bajillion times better. It's so nice to breathe and have a voice again. I was so happy when I could finally sleep at night and not worry about popping  a blood vessel in my eye from all the coughing. Seriously.

So, this fall Pete has decided to go back to school. I think he was considering just looking for a good job and working his way up and going to school later. However, he's made up his mind that going back to school right now is the best option for us. Ha :) I love being right. So yeah! I'm excited for him. I kinda wish I was going back to school, too. I sorta miss it. My diploma came the other day and it's weird to think that I'm most likely all done with USU. No more college life or anything like that for me...WEEEEEIRD.

Work is going much better. We've been having anywhere from 100-120 kids each day and for a while there it was getting really really exhausting. We've fortunately hired more people now though and it's so much better! Tomorrow we're going swimming... YIPPEEEEEEEE.

There ya have it! Not much new going on, just a truckin' along. :)

The baby dilemma.

Can I just take a minute of your time and whine some more about the dilemmas in my life? Ok.

I've decided that sometimes, it seems like it would almost be easier to accidentally get pregnant and pop out a little miracle without any planning or preparation. It seems like that might sometimes be easier than planning and worrying and wondering when the right time to have children is. Right now I feel like I obsess about when the right time is or isn't. I want everything to be perfect for when we do decide to start our family but I need to remind myself that it's never going to be perfect! And, things will be just fine, imperfections and all.

Why do we have children? Is it because we want our genes to be carried on or we want someone that we can take care of that is completely dependent on us or what? I just wonder sometimes. Why do some people plan it out obsessively (like myself) and others just go with the flow and take life and little lives as they come? Why do women get so baby hungry and men do not? Why do I sometimes get excited just to be pregnant and experience all of that? Being a woman is weird.

I feel stupid blogging about babies. Whenever I think of myself as someone else coming and reading this blog I feel like an idiot. Who worries about babies and parenthood and what not like this? I have no idea. But lately, with all of my friends and family members having adorable little mini-thems it just makes me want a mini-me, too. I can't wait to see what our kids will look like. Will they get my eyes? Pete's dark hair? What will they act like? Will they be shy or outgoing? What kind of things will they like to do? Hopefully soccer...but if not, I'll still love them. It's crazy to think about. And right now I'm just gonna let all these thoughts out and about!

Another thing I think about a lot when I think about children and parenthood is the lifestyle. I'm not really one of those people who is worried about not having all the freedoms because your life changes with kids (which I'm sure I will when I'm in that position) but rather, I want my life to be about raising MY kids. I spend hours each day, and have spent many hours in the last five years, taking care of other people's children. I try to teach them things and help them feel loved and valued and wanted, I wonder how different it will be when I have my own kids. Ok, went on a tangent. Back to lifestyle! What kind of mom do I want to be? I always thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom but I wonder if I'll be happy or not with that life. Do I want to stay home with our kids all day and take care of them and see all of their milestones or do I want to split it up and work a little to give them more opportunities? Are moms happy when they just stay home with the kids or are they happy having to leave them for a bit to go to work? I guess I really will have no idea until I'm actually in that situation (once again). I can only ponder and observe, lol.

I always thought I was going to get my bachelor's, get my master's, and then go on to join the peace corps for a few years and do something worthwhile in the world. I never pictured myself as just staying home with kids and cleaning house and doing...crafts? Surprisingly though, since I've gotten married, that's all I've really wanted to do. I lost some of my drive in school and my goals have changed drastically. I still have a hard time though, giving it all up and just being a mom.

Now, PLEASE, anyone who is a stay-at-home mom that is reading this, you can't get offended. I would give anything right now to be able to stay home and raise my kids each day and I know there are tons and tons of women out in the world who have to go to work who would kill to be able to stay home and watch their children grow. I think that, since that's what I think I really do want, I have to rationalize and pretend I maybe want other things since I can't have it right now. But someday :)

Anywho, I think I just need to be content with the way my life is right now. I can't keep wishing my life away or comparing it to others. I need to work harder on being happy for those who have their babies right now and who are so happy about it they have to post pictures every 5 seconds, lol. I need to enjoy my life the way it is without kids, and know that I will also enjoy it when it changes and I do have children.

I'll just spend some time focusing on working and bettering mine and Pete's life together. Once we have kids, there's no going back so we need to understand and appreciate the way it is now and accept it and love it when it's not the same (but better!) If any of this makes any sense, lol.

If any of you have ANY advice or just personal experience you'd be willing to share, that would be great. I want to know if being a stay at home mom or working mom is better, worse, pros and cons, etc. Thanks guys!

Tirteen.

HA! "13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?" OMG. I think about this everyday. It's quite sad really. 

There are many parts of growing up that I hate. That are hard. That make me want to curl up in my bed and die sometimes. I guess they're not all that bad, but some days they seem really...suckish. 

First thing that comes to my mind is money problems. I don't necessarily have problems paying my bills or buying things I want or need but I hate even THINKING about money. I hate thinking about how much money we're spending and making; is it enough? Should we really splurge on that? Do we really need this? I guess it's good to be money conscious but sometimes I feel like I obsess over it. I get buyers remorse about EVERYTHING because I wonder if I could have/should have saved my money and spent it on something better for our future. I wish we lived in a world (somehow) where money didn't exist. We just traded goods and services or something and we were all happy and had the things we needed. Huh. 

I hate all things about growing up that I don't understand. I hate anything that has to do with taxes, insurance, bills, etc. I know I took some classes on these things like financial literacy in high school but honestly I feel like an idiot whenever I think about this stuff. What kind of tax form do I need? What do I write on line 15? Who do I ask when I have no idea? What kind of insurance do I need? What's a 401k? What kind of benefits do I NOT have? Sigh. 

Growing up is hard because you have to worry about everything. It's so much easier to just worry about you, yourself, and...you. I miss the times when I was just a kid and the world revolved around me (in my head). I didn't have to worry about making sure other people are happy or content or that I'm not offending someone or making anyone feel uncomfortable. I miss the days where the only thing I'd worry about is which flavor of ice cream I wanted or what Disney movie I would watch before bedtime. I miss spending all day outside playing with my friends without a care in the world. I hate having to just think about working and saving money and planning for the future. It seems like when you're 12 years old you just want to be 16 so you can date. When you're 16 you just want to be 18 so you can be considered an adult. When you're 18 you just want to be 21 because even though you always felt like you'd feel like an adult when you turned 18 you really don't because it's still "eight-teen." And when you're 21-23, my age, you just want it all to go away and you want to be 12 again, playing lava tag on the couches. I guess this cycle continues on and on. I'm going to try really hard to relay this information to my kids so they can somehow realize that growing up isn't all it's made out to be and that they should enjoy every single day of being a kid. 

Another part of growing up that's hard is dealing with reality. When you're young, the world is your oyster. If you want to be an astronaut, that's what you tell people you're going to be and you prepare each day blasting off and jumping off your bed so one day you can be launched into space to discover another planet. You could be a supermodel or a mafia member or whatever you want when you're little. But then you grow up and you see how much it costs to get an education these days and how much housing is and groceries and gas and everything else and you begin to settle. You settle with a job that's convenient for you and that you feel comfortable doing. You decide on a career that will maybe pay the bills or that has the benefits your family needs. Where did all of those dreams go? I think they're still in there but we have to hide them very carefully so we aren't crushed by the realization that probably won't all work out the way we wanted. 

Other hard parts about growing up: 
Body goes to crap. 
People you love pass away, get sick, suffer.  
Relationships you used to have deteriorate and sometimes disappear. 
You have to be responsible.
You have to learn to cook, and clean, and do never-ending laundry. 
You have to deal with comparisons with everyone else. Am I doing all that I could with my life? Am I having as much fun as everyone else? Why doesn't my life seem as exciting as theirs? 
Less time for yourself. 
Hard decisions that can affect your whole life and the lives of those around you. 
Etc. 

I think in order to be happy and grow up at the same time you really have to make the conscious effort to look at the positives in your life. You have to literally count your blessings and realize how great the life is that you have. I'm so incredibly grateful for all of the things I have in my life. My husband, family, friends, home, job, and other opportunities I have... (there are SO many). Whenever I think about how much I hate growing up or I just want to die because we just got the utility bill and it's up $50 bucks from last time, I just have to focus on the fact that I even have a utility bill. A utility bill means I have a home with heat or AC or electricity so I can cook and have entertainment. I'm thankful for the laundry I have because it means I can afford to have clothes, clean clothes. I'm thankful for taxes because that means I have a job and I'm a member of this great country. 

Well...and that's how you do it :) 

Ingrid Michaelson--Sort Of 
Regina Spektor--The Calculation
Kate Nash--Navy Taxi