So at first I couldn't really think of anything I would say to my 16 year-old self. I couldn't even really remember who I was or what I was doing at 16. Was I a senior? No you dumb head.. The dementia has already set in. BUT THEN! A light bulb turned on and I was reminded of the joys and horrors of high school. Football games, pressure to look/act/think/feel/breathe like everyone wanted you to, braces (yes, I rocked braces in high school), idiotic boys, grades, crazy teachers, exams, a drivers license, scholarships, etc. And it all came flooding back...
Alright, first things first 16 year old self, wear your effing retainer! Seriously. It's not that hard, quit whining. Because guess what, in five years you'll go to put it in to make sure your grill isn't getting too jacked up and surprise surprise, it does not fit. And you'll be sad, but too lazy to do anything about it. So your teeth will slowly move around but it'll be so slow that you won't even know they're moving and by the time you're 30 you'll look like some sort of shark/homeless/hillbilly person and you'll have worn those awful braces for absolutely nothing. Great job, really.
Second thing I'm gonna tell you is to do something with yourself! You're kinda good at a few different things so just take one of those things and go with it. You like soccer, you're pretty good at it, see if you can play somewhere at the university level. ACTUALLY COMMIT to something like that. You might surprise yourself. Other options you might want to consider are: artist, writer, inventor, or video game champion. You've got potential, don't let it just float away from you like I did.
Next thing...... CHHHHHHH (insert walkie-talkie noise here), PUT DOWN THE JUNK FOOD. I REPEAT, PUT DOWN THE JUNK FOOD. That's right. Take your hand out of the Sour Cream and Onion potato chip bag and throw away the 13 packages of Gushers you have on your lap that you planned on eating during the next 30 minutes. So it's been easy so far, you've been doing basketball, track, soccer; really, you can eat whatever you want and still have rock-hard abs. (This mysteriously baffles everyone you know, too). But, ALERT, someday your metabolism will catch up to you. And your little abs and sculpted legs that you've worked so hard for will begin to whither away (unbeknownst to you) and will be replaced with--EEEEK--cellulite! And flabbiness. And oo-ey moo-ey goo-ey gushy softness that you don't like. And one day, like three years after you graduate, you'll look down and know what I'm talking about. But, like most things in your life, you won't care enough to do much about it and although you'll lose some of it by the time you get married, some of it will stick around and stay with you for....ev....er.....So just quit now. Force feed yourself some carrots and spinach for a change. It's good for ya.
Speaking of marriage.. one day you're gonna get married! And, not really according to your plan; it'll be before you're all done with college and before you've traveled to every country and ended world hunger. But it's okay, because this guy is pretty darn special. So just date around, don't take these little high school relationships too seriously and know that through all the crap you get to put up with, one day none of it will matter.
One last thing I can think of that I should tell you 16 year-old self is to make more close friends. You have a lot of friends, but not as many super close friends. Someday you're gonna want to have friends that you can have play dates with when you have kids and you're gonna want to set up a weekly poker night that you can continue with these girlies until you all prune up and die. You need some good friends who will tell you when the hair on your chin is getting a little too long or that will throw small objects at your face when you start to doze off in the middle of a conversation. Invest in the friendships you have more and be open to meeting new people and opening up to them as well. I know that's hard for ya sometimes, but you can do it.
Remember that one thing you didn't know if you should have done it or not? Do it.
Try harder in that one class, you won't regret it.
After the car is crashed place a brick on the gas pedal and drive it into the ocean. Destroy all evidence.
When you-know-who asks for help with burying the body, just say no.
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